50 Days ‘til 50 Day 2 --Lists

50 Days ‘til 50Day 2Lists(note to self…always save your work as your typing)Well, in keeping with the 50 theme I was happy to receive these emails in my inbox today, back to back no less. I guess I'm covered in the romance and health departments. Am I pegged somewhere in cyber land to now receive emails only about my poor eyesight and sexual dysfunction? Oy!Upon waking today I went to the kitchen to start my tea. Although I love my coffee drinks I have been drinking tea in the mornings for as long as I can remember. I order this brand online called Yorkshire Gold. It’s a good strong breakfast tea and doesn’t give me the shakes that coffee on my empty stomach produces. Once I’ve got some food in me, then the coffee goes in. I lived in Miami for over 15 years and was introduced to Cuban coffee. Straight up, con leche, cortaditos, iced, it became an addiction to be sure drinking it morning and afternoon. Turning my nose up at the Starbucks opening on every corner and instead seeking out my local Cuban cafes and markets for my morning and afternoon cups of Joe. I was such a convert I even traveled several times with my stove top coffee maker and brick of Bustelo coffee as I had been taught by my Latin friends how to whip the sugar into the first drips from the coffee maker producing the most delicious crema or espuma (foam) that sits gently on the top of the coffee. I felt like I had arrived and always enjoyed showing off my whipping skills whenever a friend came by for a visit. Gracias a todos mis amigos cubanos por mostrarme como hacer el cafe. I think the coffee even helped me to learn Spanish. LOL. No wonder I was so productive during those years. I’m convinced that was how Miami was built. Well that and cocaine. Ok I digress….back to the lists.While sipping the tea, I looked over at my corner of the kitchen counter where I keep my incoming mail, bills, coupons (this will be addressed in another blog), and the dreaded Lists. Usually on a post-it, it glares at me angrily and becomes my torture device for the remainder of the day. I'm suspect that there is much more psychology behind these little pads of paper and that the engineers at 3M got together with the mental health care workers of the world and produced these cute multi colored pads to torture us. I’ve carried these pretty little squares in my pockets sometimes for so long they have literally dissolved. So I glance at the list immediately zeroing in on those chores that I can accomplish immediately. (Usually the ones that don’t require me to have to move out of the kitchen area.)I don’t know where this all began but I have vague memories of my Mom carrying a small secretary pad of paper everywhere she went always in search of a pen to either add to or scratch out the accomplished task. I’ve always written lists. I used to think it was so I don’t forget things which would be the most obvious and to my memory nothing ever fell apart in my world because I didn’t get those dozen eggs, or got that book of stamps. There are days when I have a list attached to the list and another list attached to that list. This is no way to start the day I’ve realized because as I mentioned its not about the list itself, it’s the emotional roller coaster it can put me on for the day, days, and sometimes a week or more. By the way, post its don’t weather the storm after a wash and dry cycle and I'm convinced a waterproof post it is not far away.I’ve come to believe that these damn lists are linked to a much deeper part of me. The part of me feeling good about myself and the part about feeling bad about myself. I spent many of my early years feeling bad about myself, not fitting in, not good looking enough, not smart enough, comparing myself to those around me that I perceived to have it all together and why didn’t I? Whatever those demons were, now approaching 50 seem so much less important than they ever did before. When I punch the items off the list I feel somehow empowered, that I’ve made the accomplishment, that I deserve a treat. This treat usually requires me to make another list and the cycle continues all over again.Maybe it’s just ok not to finish the list and maybe its just ok that I finish it. Instead of feeling like I deserve a medal for accomplishing the list or carrying the monkey on my back if I don’t, maybe its just plain ok. Maybe this year I will stop making lists. Now what do I do with all these post its?jf