50 Days 'Til 50 Day 28--Just Add Water

50 Days ‘Til 50Day 28Just Add WaterI just realized as the 13th of August draws closer, now only 5 days away that there is no way in hell I’ll be able to pump out 23 more blogs by then. As usual I think to myself, “If I had only started earlier.” No matter, it will get done, as its supposed to get done and I will just keep plugging away even if it trails into September. It’s been an exhilarating and reminiscent journey, this blogging stuff, and I’ve enjoyed most every minute. Even though my intent is to move the writings more of what’s happening today with and around me, it’s been fun rummaging through my stories of the past that have led me to where I am today.   If I just keep reminding myself not to take myself so seriously, then I’ll be just fine.I’ll never forget the day that my partner said to me those electrifying, terrifying words I had been waiting to hear, “I’m ready for us to move in together.” We were involved in a long distance relationship after meeting in California on one of my vacations years ago. Our lives at that time were in such completely different places and we couldn’t do much except meet at different times throughout the year as we could. We had this very strong bond though that kept us plugging away at this long distance thing. Anyone who has ever done this I’m sure will agree with me. They are so completely difficult and stretched me to my absolute limit at times. The distance between us was excruciating for me at times. Also there is no guarantee that after you’ve put all this time and emotion into it that it will have a fairytale ending. It took me a long time to get to this point but it seemed by the time I could completely let go of all of my expectations surrounding it, the answer came. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes the answer is no, and sometimes the answer is not now. In this case the answer was yes.My life and world in Miami was coming to a very fast close. As I’m mentioned before my life had gone through a very rocky period, losing my best girlfriend to cancer, my Moms diagnosis of cancer at the same time, and my business not working out the way I had dreamed it would and my own health as well was now paying the price. I was at a pretty low point. I had let a lot of my friendships fall by the way and became very isolated. Isolation is a dangerous place for me to be for any length of time. The harder I dove into my work, the more isolated I became. It felt like I was an actor on a stage, suddenly realizing that I didn’t know a single line of my part. Having always been the social guy it was almost against my nature to hole myself up in my apartment and feign illness or fatigue every time a friend would call to go have dinner or even coffee. The thing about friends is as much as they love you and care for you, if I’m not willing to meet them somewhere in the middle then they will go away. I had almost 18 years of friends I had made over the years in South Florida and was down to my last one or two by the time I left. The dictionary describes a friend as “someone you enjoy being around and look forward to seeing.” Not many people were enjoying being around me during this time. I would just claim fatigue from work as my go to reason for not doing anything with them anymore. It’s sad really how much my isolation was affecting my friendships and me. I didn’t really put two and two together at the time but it took me getting on a plane and moving away before I started to realize and think about these friends, these good friends, these friends I just waived goodbye to as the plane took off.So now I’m in Palm Springs. A beautiful and magical town. A town on the move reminding me in many ways of what South Beach was like over 20 years ago. It quickly became a refreshing change from the hustle and bustle of South Beach. I love it here.  Long having had a love affair with California I always had a wish that one day I would be here.  I was with my partner and was working. It was scary but fun and felt right. Except now I really had no friends. I guess when you enter into a relationship with someone and even more so when you move to their town or city this is pretty normal. Their friends become your friends by proxy. Even though they are cordial and friendly to you, they really have no history with you and know nothing of you. It became very apparent to me that you can’t just add water and have instant friends. Something had to change, and something had to change with me. “Be careful what you ask for as you just might get it”, many of my friends have told me over the years.At the beginning of this year I had a horrible health scare. It was an incredibly difficult sinus infection that literally blew up in an exhausting series’ of bloody noses, ER trips, and a long recovery. I had a lot of time to think about things. When you’re expecting your nose to start bleeding just by getting up to go to the kitchen and back, I stayed pretty close to the bed. Not a fun time. I seem to be that kind of a person. I have to be beaten down pretty hard with things before I’m willing to change. Maybe it’s my ego, my inability to adapt to change, or my own self-will? Whatever it is, I usually have to hit some sort of bottom before the light goes off and hits me aside the head snapping me out of my altered state.On the road of recovery from the complicated sinus infection and getting my strength back up to speed I had this incredible urge to start reaching out to some of my old friends. I don’t think it was because I thought I was going to die or anything (ok, maybe once or twice), but just this need to come out of the shadows and reconnect, to reunite, to tell them what they have all meant to me and how I was so unable to reach out to them during my dark period. Maybe it was a moment of humility? Maybe it was just time. I knew that it had to be done. I first reached out to a friend who had moved to San Francisco years back. I professed to him how sorry I was for my absence and how I regretted missing out on so much of his life by not being there for him and his partner. He said to me, “Oh Mary, get over yourself.” Laughing like we laughed the first time we met over 25 years ago, I guess part of me did get over myself in that moment. Another girlfriend told me after I reached her, “I never went anywhere honey, I’ve just been waiting for you.” It was true. This has led to a series of reconnecting with people from all over. Some closer to me than others but nonetheless I am again humbled and amazed that just by my small effort I’ve been given these gifts over and over again. Facebook is good for this as well. For as much of a bad wrap that it can get at times, it’s pretty amazing in this way. It was apparent that I needed to get with the people. I am becoming more social again, meeting some new and some quite amazing people. I feel more connected. I feel like I’m getting my footing again for I always felt like I had my ladder propped up at the wrong building. I’m making some new friends. I don’t know where I went but it sure is feeling like I’m back on the right track.I miss my friends and even though I know I can’t be with them every second, I know that it takes more than just knowing they are out there for it to work. I still have work to do but it’s a start and a start is better than an end.   To all my friends that try and right me when I want to go wrong, that knew in their hearts that I was still in here somewhere, I thank you. My friends that know what a goofball I can be and still manage to be seen with me in public. My friends that can make me laugh so hard I want to pee my pants.  My friends who not only don’t care if I’m not looking my best or boring, but who don’t even think about it. My friends that will forgive me no matter what I do and who try and help me even when they don't know how. My friends that are honest with me as they make me want to be more honest.I think I have a lot of friends that fit this perfectly.jf