50 Days 'Til 50 Day 37--#neverforget

50 Days ‘Til 50Day 37#neverforgetIt was a usual hot summer day in Miami. The time of year those of us who live there started to get really antsy for a break from the sweltering heat and humidity. According to the calendar summer was over, all the schools had returned to open status, and I didn’t want to wear white anymore. It was also however the time of year I loved most. Anticipating that first break in the temperature, seeing the leaves start to change just a little, the taste of that first scorching hot pumpkin latte. I was driving down into South Miami to meet a bride for her hair and makeup trial run on this day, September 11, 2001. She was only in Miami for a few days and was returning the following day, on September 12th, back to NYC to be with her fiancé. She had all her appointments with her vendors lined up while she was in town so we had to work quickly. I was also in a bit of a rush as well. I was also flying to NYC on September 12th to meet my good friend Jennifer. We had finally got it together to take our dream trip together. We had been friend’s now for almost two and a half decades and our pocketbooks could finally afford the trip we had always wanted to take together. Not the backpacking and hostels European experience but the first class, Relais & Chateaux version. Two weeks of living high on the hog, French style. To experience these beautiful places together that we had always dreamed of. I had wanted to do this for so long, just the two of us, and it was finally here.The soon to be brides hair now in rollers as I was just starting her makeup we both saw the news report break into the middle of the Today Show. That dreaded “special report” that to this day makes me cringe a bit wondering what’s wrong. I don’t think either one of us realized what Matt Lauer actually said. We were lost in a flurry of eyeshade’s and hairspray and it took a few minutes for it to register. “An airplane has flown into one of the World Trade Center buildings”, he announced again, for now the third time. There were no images yet and my first thought was a story my Mom had told me years ago about a small plane hitting the Empire State Building. “This must have been it” I thought. “Pilot error, a malfunction of a small plane, something sadly tragic but manageable” raced around in my head. For as you see, I have seen so much horror throughout my life; I learned to put up a shield around me when I hear of bad things happening. It’s my shield, my private protection. For if you really knew what hell I've experienced in my young 30 years, then you'd probably stop reading right here and now. Imaginary or not, it gets me through, it has to.She raced for her cell phone, screaming out to her Mother in the other room to call her fiancé on the house phone. She had to reach her fiancé. He worked in one of the small buildings surrounding the Towers. He had phoned her only an hour before wishing her good luck with all the wedding plans and he would see her again tomorrow. In this moment of constant busy signals and frustration I had no idea whether or not she would ever reach him. We both saw the images on the TV. This was not a small plane. It was a big plane. It looked bad from the first images but again I remained in my bubble, trying to offer solace to this stranger bride I was trying to put false eyelashes on. The images were frightening, almost unreal. Something out of a Hollywood blockbuster, not something for a Tuesday morning talk show. It became apparent as she was starting to go into full on panic mode that our session was over. Trying to wipe off the tears and eyeshadow off with a makeup wipe, she told me to just go. I packed up my bags and told her to contact me when she had heard something from him. She never would see or hear from him again I found out later and I wouldn't hear from her ever again.Jennifer didn’t live in the city, but up in South Fallsburg, about an hour north of the city. As soon as I got back to my home I phoned her, relieved to hear her voice and not her voicemail or a busy signal. By now the second plane had hit the second tower and we just sat on the phone together in silence. It could have been a minute or an hour; we were both, like everyone everywhere, in collective utter shock. I just started mumbling to her all the communal thoughts the entire world was having at the very same time, “This can’t be happening! This is unbelievable! How could this have happened?” We knew in that moment we wouldn’t be going anywhere.The whole world stopped today. The planes stopped, the cars stopped, an eerie silence draped over us all. I couldn’t help but stare into the television. Horror after horror played out in front of me again and again. The images I will never forget. The sight of these people, covered in soot walking over the Brooklyn Bridge like some post apocalyptic zombie movie will be forever seared into my brain. My thoughts were like all of us. “To be trapped up high in a building where you’re only two options for the last moments of your life are either to burn to death or to jump 100 stories?” I still get choked up on that one. How many times I had braved my own fear of heights taking my visiting friends to the top of the Towers when I was a New York resident? For this was New York City. This concrete impenetrable fortress, the most powerful city in the world where time stands still for no one, the city I love, the city I eventually had to move from, the city just stopped, cold in her tracks. To be completely and utterly powerless, until all the dust had settled is a moment I will remember always. My thoughts ran to all the men and women who ran in, bravely trying to save anyone and anything they could. My thoughts went to the animals. All these animals that sat alone in their apartments waiting for their owners to come home, only they never did. I turned off the TV. I cried. A lot. For what could I do?I was reminded of all of this today when I awoke and looked at the clock, the number 11 staring back at me. I was moved to get up and in a moment of silence, just remember. Remember it all. Feel the feelings, shed a few tears, and have immense gratitude that I am still here today. Immensely humbled by our resiliency as people and as human beings. I don’t know if NYC is any softer now, I suspect not, but I have hope that it might be. I don’t know if I am any softer now for the calluses of life have built up on me and in me. They are there. They are visible. I try to be a bit softer. I try and be better at lending a hand, or listening to someone share their story, or offering what I can in each given moment. I can’t save the world but I can pray. I can pray that I’m given the strength to get up each day and carry out whatever is in store for me this day. I can pray for all the people of the world. I can pray for world peace. I can pray for miracles. I pray that miracles replace war, that miracles replace judgment, and that miracles can replace fear both in me, and in the world. I hope that this is enough?jf