50 Days 'Til 50 Day 25--Half Measures

50 Days 'Til 50Day 25Half Measures“Half measures availed us nothing.” One of my favorite lines in a book that has saved me from myself many times over the course of my adult life. As I hit my half way point on my blog, I’m again faced with that predicament of “I did it, got half way and it was fun, now drop it.” Or “do I persevere through it and get to the end, feeling accomplished and satisfied that I stuck it out?” I must admit, I'm in a slump. The thoughts of what to write about, how to say it, and whether or not it’s what I truly want to say are just flying through my brain in a mess of a hailstorm. I’ve spoken of this before some blogs ago about one of my most debilitating traits and it’s certainly rearing its ugly head at the moment. The inability I seem to have to not follow things through to the end. Of course there are many things I have persevered at over the years, my career for one has kept me busy and satisfied for the last 30 years, so I know its possible. Of course many a person in the healthcare and therapy fields will just slap another label on me, in this case ADD I’m pretty certain. Since I cant bare to have one more label attached to myself, I'm looking for other reasons and if this really can be conquered or not? Keep it simple keeps popping into my head... so here goes.Even though my brain is a bit scattered at the moment, I’ve been enjoying feeling my feelings (mostly) and enjoying the smaller moments in life as of late. Is this a turning 50 thing? Stopping to smell the roses, dancing in the rain, just slowing down a bit more? If it is, I think I’m liking it. Since my brain jogs faster than my feet can move, it really takes some conscious work to slow it all down. Split attention I think was the term my therapist used years back when I was really struggling with my focus issues. I was starting my own business and I was basically a train wreck. “Attention is the most valuable thing I have” she would tell me. When I jump from emails to phone calls, to text messages, and then back to the computer screen, then a Twitter or Facebook update, I don’t get anything really important done. I allow interruptions and curiosity to hijack my day, without any meaningful benefit. The bouncing from one thing to the other turns into a habit over time, and I can’t seem to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. I have an addictive personality and I can be addicted to most anything I have learned, including adrenaline. She described it to me as “attention being a mental muscle.” Like all my muscles if I continue to work on them with exercise for example they will get stronger. It’s the same with a mental muscle. It takes time to build it and grow it and make it stronger.  "Do they make steroids for brains?" I'm wondering?(Ok, so I just got up, made a coffee, checked my Facebook, and answered my Moms email. On we go…)I’ve noticed the moment I ignore what’s important, everything in my head and around me becomes fair game, and I get lost in an illusion of urgency. There are these perceived urgent things that I have to do and although they do need to be dealt with its never quite on the urgent scale I perceive them to be. But when I’m in the middle of an important project and I realize I forgot to pay a bill, I don’t need to stop everything and do it. It can be taken care of after I finish what I’m doing. But instead I’ll jump on it and spend 15 minutes or so. Then I’ll remember something else. By that point I stopped working and resistance got the best of me. So I resort to numbing my brain with distractions. It all started with ignoring what’s important. It’s fairly easy to stop anything. It’s much harder to pick it back up, especially when I lose momentum. Knowing what’s important and choosing to do it, is a skill. I do get better at it with practice and other than matters of life and death, I plod away at the tasks at hand trying to do the most important things first and let the rest fall into place. I am amazed that I can even get myself dressed, showered, go to work, and come home and make dinner some days.15 years of therapy also bought me the knowledge that to commit to something is to give it my full attention, energy, and devotion. When I’m distracted, I’m not fully committed. I'm the one out at dinner who is on my cell phone checking us in on Facebook, taking the pictures of the food and missing half the conversation.  I’m toying with priorities and time and expecting to get serious results. Commitment means that I decide to do something and I do it, and continue to do it until I complete it, or just drop it. This feast or famine approach to productivity just adds to my stress level and quite frankly is exhausting. So I guess maybe its cutting down on distractions, and creating time for what matters that is part of the answer? When I do work through my tasks and move through the goals I do set for myself the feelings of being overwhelmed do dissolve their own. Maybe its knowing I cant be everything to everyone anymore, that I can choose what’s important in my life and focus on that, not get distracted by the constant chatter of the world around me. My therapist would tell me after I completed something that was important to me to give myself a treat or a reward afterwards. I would laugh and tell her that these “rewards and treats” are what get me in so much trouble in the first place. Moderation has never been one of my strong suits. I’m not sure if it ever will be or if I just reach a point where I accept this is the way I am? For when I’m accepting of all things is when I’m the most free, the most tolerant, and the most loving. Ahhh, this human condition sure is a rollercoaster sometimes.Ok, so I finished. Is this progress? It certainly isn’t perfection but its something. Something for me. Now, what to treat myself with today?jf